Grumpy Coworker

Category: Etiquette

Etiquette

  • Have You Been Soaking in Your Cologne?

    Cologne’s pretty expensive by volume.  It’s not exactly the kind of thing that I’d expect someone to fill his bathtub with. However, when a stiff breeze carries the smell of your cologne across the parking lot, I have no choice but to imagine that this is what you do.

    Part of me wonders how many showers it takes to clean the scent off, much like what happens with the smoke smell after a night at a smoky bar.

    The workplace, in general, has long been smoke-free. Do we have to start lobbying Congress or our local legislatures for the same protection from pervasive perfumed smells as we have from tobacco smoke?

    Maybe I should figure out what cologne is choking off my air supply and find out who makes it. Then, at least, I can  wait until I notice that you’ve stopped wearing this particular scent, and then bet against the company. Of course, there would probably be a good case for insider trading, at the levels at which you purchase their product.

     

     

     

  • Exclamation points necessary!!

    Once upon a time, in what people used to call “grammar school”, the exclamation point was a thing of mystery. It was generally something that seemed to never have a use in writing, with the exception of after an interjection or a strongly emphasized command.

    The Wikipedia article on the exclamation mark quotes F. Scott Fitzgerald:

    Cut out all those exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own jokes.

    So, when did exclamation points go from “to be used as sparingly as capsaicin extract in chili” to “like salt on french fries?” It seems as though any reply of gratitude via email, text, or instant message requires at least one exclamation point if you’re grateful, and two if it was a big help. Don’t underemphasize your gratitude with a period. It may come out as a forced “thank you”, similar to the way your parents made you thank an aunt for an ugly sweater.

    Some people even extend this required emphasis by put things in ALL CAPS.

    Maybe we should suspend coffee service to the office for a while.

    THANKS FOR READING!!

  • Not everyone speaks English as their first language.

    Welcome to the world.

    It’s a diverse place out here.

    You will probably have to speak to someone eventually that doesn’t speak perfect {name your country as an adjective here} English.

    You may have to listen closely.  You may have to ask politely for that person to repeat themselves.

    This is all understandable.

    However, it is unacceptable to angrily raise your voice in frustration because the other person doesn’t speak the same brand of English you do.

    Of course, maybe you’re not raising your voice in frustration.  Maybe you’re just raising your voice to be understood better.  Let me point two things out:  First, the other person doesn’t have a hearing issue.  Second, you’re the one having difficulty understanding.

    Thanks.

  • Keep your motivational sayings to yourself and not in my email.

    I appreciate that you love your job, or that you at least have a daily affirmation that you repeat to tell yourself that you do.

    Do you know who reads your motivational saying when you use it in your signature line?  Hint:  It’s not you.

    Yes, that’s right.  Everyone else reads your motivational saying.  It gets attached to every request for help.  It gets attached to every reminder to fill out my bureaucratic paperwork.  It gets attached to every admonition that you send out.

    Now I know why you enjoy your job.  You’re making us miserable with being a bureaucratic task master.

    Think about the perception of that email signature.

  • Hand Sanitizer Does Not Take the Place of Soap and Water

    I’m really starting to dread the day the hand sanitizer dispensers went in.

    Somehow, many people are under the impression that the hand sanitizer *cleans* your hands.

    If you’ve been baking brownies, you can’t clean any batter off with hand sanitizer.  You’ll just end up with brownies that have been disinfected on the surface.

    If you don’t believe me, ask an academic:  “Hand sanitizers no substitute for soap and water.”

  • Are you a Business Manager or a Parole Officer?

    I understand that small organizations, especially non-profit organizations, have a need to tightly control their flow of funds.  If you’re dealing with a new “contractor” for the first time, I can understand wanting to make sure that you don’t get burned by some con artist trying to squeeze more than was agreed upon out of your organization.

    However, once your organization has a working and ongoing relationship with someone, especially over more than a year, it’s time to assume a certain level of trust.

    This is particularly true if your organization paid the wrong amount–say $420 instead of $240.  I would expect the at fault party to assume the risk in correcting the mistake as soon as possible.

    This is especially true if your contractor was the one who called you to let you know that you wrote a check for too much.   That’s pretty insulting to someone’s intelligence and integrity to make them mail back or drop off a check for the wrong amount before writing a check for the right amount.  If theft was the motive, it be easier for the contractor to play dumb and just deposit the check for the wrong amount.

    Some other, less offensive ways of dealing with accidentally paying too much to a repeat contractor:

    • If you still don’t trust the person to return the check at his or her next convenience, you could issue a stop payment on the incorrect check.  You’re spending $30 to save $180 in this case, but at least the evil contractor that you regularly trust to do a job won’t steal from you in such an obvious way.
    • Considering you have more work assigned to the contractor, consider a credit for future services instead.

    Bottom line, if you’ve hired someone for thousands of dollars worth of services over the years, and have more services scheduled for that person, is it worth creating a breakdown in trust because you made an error?  If you don’t trust the contractor, why is this person doing any work for your organization after all of this time?

  • Bathroom math

    Question #1: If there are 5 floors in my office building, and 1 set of men/women bathrooms on each floor, how many bathrooms are there on the 2nd floor where I work?

    Answer: Not nearly enough!

    Question #2: If the bathroom cleaning lady cleans the bathroom on my floor between 12:30pm and 12:57pm, how many minutes does it take her to clean the bathroom?

    Answer: That’s right at the end of our lunch break, lady! There are 150 cross-legged people who agree that you take WAY too long to clean this bathroom.

    Question #3: If the bathrooms on my floor are being remodeled and are closed for 6 weeks, how many enemies will I make for regularly occupying one of the 3 functional toilets on the next floor up or down?

    Answer: It takes SIX WEEKS to remodel a bathroom??? You have got to be kidding me and my bladder!

    Question #4: How many empty soda cans does it take to do the work of 1 toilet while my bathroom is being remodeled?

    Answer: I have absolutely no idea!  And I don’t care how many dirty looks I get from those first floor jerks, I am NOT going to find out!

    Question #5: If the first floor bathroom takes 50% as long to remodel as the one on my floor took, how many weeks will it be closed?

    Answer: Who cares – it’s payback time! “Sorry Mr. First Floor Jerk, this stall is going to be occupied until the cleaning lady comes back. Try the 5th floor, I think there is 1 functional toilet up there.”


  • Who Moved My… Christmas Card?

    Who Moved My Cheese?
    Didn’t think the book was literal.

    This goes into the “Leave Stuff That’s Not Yours Alone” department.

    While I can actually understand someone moving my cheese, or other food item, for the sake of the office environment, it’s really disturbing when very specific items are clearly removed from the walls or desk.

    I can understand removal of clearly offensive materials that violates company policy, although removal of such materials should be accompanied by either HR involvement or at least a lengthy manager discussion.

    However, the stealthy removal of items that do not conform to your preferred aesthetic or that may happen to depict or be from someone who has left the company is creepy.

    Is this Ancient Egypt? Did I mention a prior and heretical Pharoah?

    Are you the secret police or an overzealous youth movement member?

    If the item is offensive in a not-so-obvious way, and you have the experience or authority to recognize it as such, it would be far less creepy to have a personal explanation of what happened as opposed to items being stealthily relocated to desk drawers or the trash can.

  • No, I will not join your downline.

    I’m not even sure these nutritional “supplements” are non-lethal, much less effective.  How do I know that these vitamins, or whatever they are, aren’t going to show up in a drug test later?

    I also have to ask:  What kind of compensation structure is involved that makes this multi-level marketing network marketing of nutritional supplements worth the time and energy you spend on it?

    Am I the only coworker you’ve tried to recruit for this?  If so, I must apologize for wearing my “sucker” outfit today.  All my other clothes were dirty, and I’m behind on my laundry.

    On the other hand, if I’m not the only coworker you’ve tried to recruit for this “opportunity”, how much work time are you spending recruiting?  Have you tried spending the same amount of time reading a book that might improve your performance?  Even if you get nothing out of the book, you’ll no longer be known as the “guy who tries to recruit people for every money making opportunity he finds.”  You might accidentally make more money from the lack of negative image drag.

    Honestly, if you were intentionally hired to do the job that you’re paid for, chances are fairly good that you’ll get a higher return on your invested time there than if you spend it trying to sell a product that you virtually nothing about.

  • Stop the rudeness!

    It always seems to happen during the worthwhile presentation:  the ongoing “side-bar conversation” that is loud enough to be heard in the street-bar on a Friday night.

    There are 3 possible messages these people are sending with their rudeness:

    • “I am a higher level employee than the person presenting, and I wish to make it abundantly clear that I don’t have to respect them.”
    • “I am an equal level employee, but I know them, don’t respect them, and should be a higher level than them.”
    • “I am a lower level employee, and a moron.”

    In any case, you are being a disrespectful jerk. Do the rest of us a favor and stop it.