Grumpy Coworker

  • Ideation, innovation, and breakthrough, oh my!

    You want us to what?  Make time to focus on ideation, innovation, and breakthrough thinking?

    It all sounds good enough. Surely we would crush our competition if we could just put our collective brains together and ideate an innovation that led to instant breakthrough.

    But you didn’t hire us to innovate, did you?  Whenever I try, I find it impossible to think past this stack of mundane assignments and my meager paycheck, which are all screaming, “Get back to work you fool!”  Will I be off the hook if I think breakthrough thoughts for an hour and fail to finish my backlog?  (My ideation says not.)

    Look, if all the Innovators are fresh out of good ideas, maybe you should fire them and find some Ideators to take their place. But please stop piling their work on my full plate; after all, somebody has to keep the wheels turning around here.

    How’s THAT for some breakthrough thinking!

  • On parking your Tahoe

    i park like an idiot
    Image courtesy of i park like an idiot.com

    If I find an $80,000 sports car parked 2 feet over the line, taking up the last 2 available spaces in the row, I might think, “Well, you’re an idiot for driving that to work, but ok.”

    But a Chevy Tahoe?

    Let me get this straight; I have to park my average car in the far section in the rain, because your new Tahoe is scared of a door ding?

    Remember the days when trucks and SUV’s were tough, manly things, and proud to look the part? Inventions of American ruggedness?

    “Oh, please, please, don’t scratch my shiny new Tahoe!”
    Pathetic.

  • Learn how to microwave popcorn or don’t

    Untitled by skaty222, on Flickr

    Honestly, microwave popcorn often smells like unwiped… well, it stinks when it’s cooking. This is especially true of the higher “butter” content microwave popcorn.

    But that’s okay–who am I to begrudge somebody a tasty afternoon snack?

    Burnt popcorn, on the other hand, smells like a grease fire in a smoker’s lounge, and tastes like flaked off iron from an iron skillet. (Don’t ask.) There’s no way you’re enjoying that popcorn, and you’re torturing the rest of us.

    More importantly, you seem to be burning popcorn with some consistency. Maybe you should try a sandwich for a snack instead:  less office-consuming smell and probably fewer calories.

    It’s not really that hard to pop popcorn in the microwave:

    1. Remove plastic wrap.
    2. Place in middle of microwave so that the “wings” of the turn up [as is marked on the package].
    3. DON’T use the [Popcorn] button on the microwave–at least not as your only guide…
    4. Start the microwave on HIGH for something like 4 minutes or 3:15– whatever…
    5. Listen for the popping to go crazy and then slow down to between and 1 and 2 seconds per pop.
    6. Stop the microwave.
    7. Shake the bag.
    8. Open the bag.
    9. Eat the popcorn.

    Steps 7 through 9 may be obvious to some, but I wanted to be clear, just in case there was any confusion.

  • I want my crappy coffee; I need my crappy coffee

    A person might not be evil for planning a large team meeting in the break room. Or placing a makeshift sign on the door informing me that a meeting is in progress and I am not invited.

    But when said meeting occurs between 7:30a.m. and 9:30a.m. on a Monday morning … I know I am dealing with pure evil. Who in their right mind would place a barrier between dozens of Monday-morning workers and their crappy break room coffee? Too much of this, and a grumpy coworker uprising is inevitable.

  • Snore at your own risk

    Sleeping at your desk is a very risky thing to do.  It can quickly lead to a drastic reduction in income.  There is always someone who doesn’t seem to get this.

    If you don’t know whether you snore when you sleep, please ask someone. If you do snore when you fall asleep, and you still allow yourself to fall asleep at your desk, can I just say that you deserve what you get?  When you feel your eyelids getting heavy, stand up, man! Take a walk.  Get a cup of coffee or a soda from the breakroom.Just don’t glare at the rest of us when they escort you out the door, like somehow it was our duty to become co-conspirators in your stupidity. We are not going to cough really loud, throw something soft at you, or inconspicuously walk to your desk to pretend we actually need your help with something.  You are snoring at your own risk.

  • The mythical perfect stack

    Pringles.
    Image by TheDeliciousLife via Flickr

    Please, not another dreaded “restack” of cubicle space. I understand that space = money, but we already feel like Pringles in a can.

    It doesn’t matter if the number of coworkers is growing or depleting, the restack remains all too popular. In the case of growth, we must stack tighter! In the case of depletion, we must consolidate space … and stack tighter!

    There is a myth out there that the Perfect Stack can be achieved; a cubicle layout that provides the highest ratio of cost savings per unit of “packed person productivity.”

    The quest for this perfect stack knows no limits of decency. I once saw a coworker promised a promotion, which allowed him a larger cubicle in the next restack. Construction on said larger cubicle was almost complete, when said promotion was put on hold.

    Would you believe the coworker observed the restack construction guys DEconstructing the larger cubicle even before he found out his promotion got nixed?

    I wonder how they factor coworker grumpiness into the productivity side of the Perfect Stack equation…

  • Who here likes department-wide meetings?

    I know you’re out there.

    There are far too many companies who have them for there not to be millions of fans of them.

    Just admit it. The first step to being cured is admitting that you have a problem. It’s okay. We understand.

    Actually, we don’t understand, but we’d at least like to know that there is *someone* out there that is actually interested in these things.

  • Your supposed “80 hour week” this week says something to me.

    What it says to me is that you, perhaps, don’t know what you’re doing.

    As Jason Fried of 37Signals suggests, Fire the workaholics.

    I’m worried about the clean-up effort that will result from your hard work.

  • My name is as my business card or LinkedIn profile states.

    Those who have worked with me, went to school with me, or are friends or family have leeway in how they address me.  They’ve earned it by going through things with me or just by putting up with me.

    If you are a vendor making a cold or warm contact via e-mail, you can either use a formal address using my last name, or you may be bold and use my first name as on my business card, LinkedIn profile, or as spelled out in my e-mail address.  Note that a difference between the two may indicate specific preferences about how I prefer to be addressed.

    If you use a nickname that is never used in any of my contact information, you’re making some big assumptions about the familiarity of our relationship.  They’re also called “incorrect assumptions”.

  • The overhead speaker / paging system

    In an office environment where everyone has cubes with their own phones, cell phones, and laptops, how often is there a reason for someone to be paged?  I’d imagine in the case of life or death, or birth, use of the paging system is valid.  For all other purposes, if it’s going to be moderately important that you be reached in a timely manner when away from your desk, the person likely to need to reach you should have your cell phone on you.

    More annoying still is the use of the paging system to make announcements constantly. I may not be at the XYZ event because I don’t care about it.  Just a thought.  I really don’t want to have an announcement made unless you would feel comfortable dialing 911 in response to whatever you’re making an announcement about.

    Would you use the fire alarm if there were doughnuts in the break room?  Okay, maybe I’ll make an exception for doughnuts.