Oh, for the love of—here we go again with Captain Planet over here getting another galactic jackpot while the rest of us are fighting over the last stale donut in the break room. Apparently the board looked at a guy who’s already got more money than every god combined and said, “You know what this dude needs? Another cool trillion. Yeah, let’s just yeet a trillion dollars at him like it’s a participation trophy for showing up and tweeting memes at 3 a.m.”
Meanwhile, Susan in accounting hasn’t had a working space heater since 2019 and HR told her to “layer up.” LAYER UP. It’s negative four degrees in her cubicle, Karen, she’s not training for the Iditarod.
And the excuses! Oh my god, the excuses are richer than the man himself. “He created so much shareholder value!” Yeah, cool, so did the guy who invented the McFlurry machine that actually works for once, where’s HIS trillion? “He’s a once-in-a-lifetime genius!” Buddy, I’ve seen this dude try to pronounce “worcestershire” sauce—there’s no lifetime genius there, just lifetime Wi-Fi money.
The vote was basically a room full of yes-men in $5,000 sneakers nodding so hard their AirPods fell out. “All in favor of giving the guy who owns the company more money than the GDP of Europe?” Every hand shoots up like they’re trying to flag down a waiter at a crypto conference. Democracy in action, baby.
But sure, tell me again how “no one works harder.” Bro, I’ve seen this man’s sleep schedule—it’s just Red Bull and spite. I work hard too; I once answered 47 Slack messages while on the toilet. Where’s my trillion? Exactly.
So yeah, congrats on the trillion, champ. Hope it keeps you warm when the rest of us are burning our performance reviews for heat. Enjoy counting it—I hear it only takes about 31,700 years if you count one dollar per second. Don’t strain yourself.
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